How do We Heal from Past Trauma?
Recently, I had a client ask me how to heal from past trauma as an adult. I answered by using the analogy of a wake a boat makes when moving through the water. I told her that on one side, we have various relationship bonding ingredients, such as
Shared interests
Thoughts
Feelings
Beliefs (values)
Physical contact
Spiritual
Each of these relationship ingredients has different levels of vulnerability that contribute to creating safety and love in a relationship. For example, you’ll have a certain level of vulnerability relative to the listed ingredients with a colleague at work, but a different level of vulnerability with your spouse relative to those same ingredients. As a further example, you may share only some feelings at work while you may share a broader range of feelings with your spouse.
To emotionally bond properly, one needs to understand the culturally acceptable level of vulnerability in any given relationship. There is a generally expected level of vulnerability in a business partnership that is far different from that expected in an accountability group with your friends at church. Healthy vulnerability creates safety, a necessary ingredient for the other side of the wake to function correctly.
On the other side of the wake are relationship boundary ingredients, such as
Setting boundaries
Cross boundaries
Privacy
Grace
Truth
Time
Setting a boundary is a necessary throttle to bonding. A boundary says, “you are not allowed into this part of my life,” or “I don’t feel a need to explain myself to you.” Crossing another’s boundary is usually selfish and abusive (at some level). Allowing others to cross your boundaries is typically unwise, though predators always cross the boundaries of their victims.
Giving grace to others embraces their imperfections. Sharing the truth with others serves to guide them in the right direction. Grace without truth is nothing more than a license to behave as one desires. Truth without grace results in harsh legalism, demanding that the standard be met, while knowing all along that no one can ever meet it. Truth without grace can devolve into abuse. Grace without truth can devolve into chaos.
Grace and truth are required to set a boundary and show respect by not crossing another’s boundary. Grace and truth are also essential in a relationship to foster a strong bond of love. It is the combination of grace and truth that creates the environment in which vulnerability and safety can thrive.
Every relationship has a certain amount of privacy. Privacy is essential for fostering trust, establishing healthy boundaries, and promoting individual growth. The closer two people are, the more grace and truth will be needed and the less privacy that will exist relative to each of their interests, thoughts, feelings, beliefs, physical contact, and walk with God. Privacy allows one to maintain a healthy sense of self and feel respected in a relationship.
Privacy is not synonymous with secrecy; it is the balance between what is shared and what is kept private in any given relationship.
Healing from past trauma is a journey. As we build healthy relationships where boundaries are respected, grace and truth are extended, and healthy privacy is maintained, healing takes place over time. As we learn to share our interests, thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with others and with God, we form loving bonds with them. As we receive grace and truth from those we trust and consistently do so, over time, we heal from our trauma and learn to engage in healthy relationships. We learn to love with vulnerability and safety. This is healing.
How do we heal from trauma? In short, we heal through healthy relationships that extend grace and truth over time as we share the many aspects of ourselves with others who love and care for us.
Our deepest hurts and deepest healings come from our relationships. This is why a relationship with God is so meaningful. God can heal us and transform us in ways that no one on earth can. He can forgive our sins and give us a new life. If you’d like to learn more, please don’t hesitate to DM me at your convenience.
Bill English, PhD, MDiv, MA, LP