Five Ways We Kill Relationships in Life, Business, and Marriage.
Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual effort, but they can be fragile. Today, I offer five things we do that kill our personal and professional relationships. Note that there are more than just these five ways, but I offer them because it will be difficult for any relationship to survive even one of them. Two or more, and the relationship will end. It's just a matter of time.
Here goes:
1. Contempt
Contempt is more than just anger; it is the act of looking down on your partner with a sense of superiority. It manifests as eye-rolling, sarcasm, and hostile mocking. Research identifies contempt as the single most significant predictor of relationship failure because it erodes the basic foundation of respect. Employees hate working for a boss who exhibits contempt. Spouses often divorce partners who exhibit contempt. Children cutoff from their parents after they become adults if their parents are contemptable.
The Fix: Focus on building a "culture of appreciation" by actively looking for what your partner is doing right instead of pointing out what they are doing wrong.
Romans 14:10 (NIV): "You, then, why do you judge your brother or sister? Or why do you treat them with contempt? For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat."
2. Judgemental and Blaming
When we judge another person, we place ourselves above them as if we were God. Then we condemn them, and finally, we create a standard for them that is difficult for them to achieve. When they fail, we blame them. Judgement and blaming go well beyond evaluation and discernment. Judgment places us in the position of God, to render a final, court-room-like judgment, condemning them in such a way that our punishment is suddenly warranted. Judgement and blaming are toxic in business, but they are exponentially more toxic in marriages.
The Fix: Do not place yourself above them, even if you are their manager. Then encourage and coaching them (if in business) or offer grace (if in marriage), which is unmerited favor, acceptance, and love. Last, do not make up the standard. Let God create the standard. Approach situations with humility, love, forgiveness, and correction.
Matthew 7:1-2: "Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you."
3. Diagnosing
Relationships often die from "diagnoses" or "labeling." Saying things like, "you're a narcissist," or "your weaponizing sex against me," or "you're a borderline personality," or "you're a b****" or "you're an a** h***" only leads to distance and cutoffs. Even if your diagnosis is correct, offering it as a final judgment about their persona is extremely unwise. When you diagnose another's problem as if you're the arbiter of all that is true and right, you shut down communication and deny that you have any part in your relationship problems. You are likely to deeply offend them and create a division in your relationship that will be very difficult to repair.
The Fix: You are not God. Go before God and see what he says you need to do, to admit to, and own as your part in repairing your relationship difficulties. Remember, the only consistent feature in all your dissatisfying relationships is you.
Proverbs 24:28 (ESV): "Be not a witness against your neighbor without cause, and do not deceive with your lips."
4. Control
Trying to control your employees or your spouse is a never-ending problem that satiates the controller's dysfunctional needs but pushes the controllee away every time. Bosses who micro-manage (over-control) have a revolving door for direct reports. Spouses who are constantly controlled by the other either become a shell of who they could have been or they leave their marriage for another, more supportive mate.
The Fix: Only control yourself. Leave the rest to God. You are not as great as you think.
Galatians 5:22-23: "But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
5. Gossip
If you want to destroy trust in your relationships, just gossip about the other's character flaws or dysfunctions to their family or friends. Once what you said gets back to them - and it will get back to them - all trust is destroyed. You will have hurt them deeply. Most likely, you will have permanently damaged your relationship with them. If you do this in business, you can count on them leaving your business or asking (demanding?) that you leave. If you do this in your marriage, you're setting yourself up for a divorce.
The Fix: Foster radical and loving acceptance of the other. Keep your negative emotions in control and only discuss their shortcomings with them. Learn to forgive and realize that, most likely, you have more faults than they do.
Matthew 7:3-5 (ESV): "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.