You pass each other in the kitchen. You talk about the kids' schedules, the bills, and who's picking up groceries. Then one of you falls asleep on the couch while the other scrolls in bed, and a quiet thought slips in: When did we become roommates?
If that's where you are, you're not alone.
Why marriages drift
Most couples don't decide to grow apart. Jobs, children, aging parents, church commitments, community involvement, and plain exhaustion each take a share of the time and energy you used to give each other.
Drift rarely comes from one big moment. It usually comes from a thousand small moments when you don’t turn toward each other. It's what happens to two busy people who love each other but haven't protected the relationship they have.
And here's the hopeful part: if small moments created the distance, small moments can start to close it.
Drift happens slowly, and so does repair
"Catch the foxes for us, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards, for our vineyards are in blossom." (Song of Solomon 2:15, ESV)
The foxes in that verse aren't dramatic. They're small, and they do their damage quietly. A skipped goodnight. A conversation that never gets past logistics. A phone that always wins over a conversation.
Repair works the same way. You don't need a weekend getaway or a perfect talk to begin. You need a few small, steady choices, made again and again.
Turn toward the small bids
Marriage researchers talk about "bids" for connection. A bid is any small attempt to connect: a comment about the news, a sigh after a long day, a "Hey, look at this."
When you turn toward a bid, even for thirty seconds, you send a message: I'm still here, and you still matter to me. When you miss bids again and again, both of you slowly stop making them.
"Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor." (Romans 12:10, ESV)
Honor often looks very ordinary. It's putting the phone down, looking up, and asking a follow-up question. It’s entering your spouse’s world, even for thirty seconds, to experience a bit of what it's like. It’s listening without offering a solution. It’s saying, “I love you,” even when you don’t find them all that lovable.
Name the distance without blaming
Many couples feel the drift but don't say anything, because they're afraid it will start a fight. So the silence grows.
Try naming it as something you both want to fix, not as your spouse's fault. "You never talk to me anymore" puts your spouse on trial. "I miss us. Can we figure out how to get more of us back?" invites them to join you.
You may both carry some regret about how far you've drifted. God's mercy is big enough for both of you, and it meets you fresh each day.
"The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22–23, ESV)
Faithfulness to your spouse is built on God’s faithfulness to you. When you start to grasp just how faithful God is to us, you can reflect that faithfulness to your spouse.
One step this week
Set aside fifteen minutes a day for just the two of you. Here's a simple way to start:
Pick a time most days, like after dinner or before bed, and put both phones in another room.
Ask one question that isn't about logistics, such as "What's been on your mind this week?" or "What's something that made you smile today?"
Listen to understand, not to fix. Then let your spouse ask you.
It may feel awkward at first. That's normal. Keep going. Connection is rebuilt one ordinary evening at a time.
You don't have to do this alone
Sometimes the distance has been building for years, or there's hurt underneath it that's hard to talk about on your own. That's when a counselor can help.
Counseling isn't only for marriages in crisis. It's also for couples who want to find their way back to each other before the distance grows. You can learn to talk again, rebuild trust, and enjoy being together, with Christ at the center.
Reach out for a free conversation: 763-458-3722 or onpathcounseling.com.
